


maybe because it’s a reminder of you and me

by comebackbehere



Category: Legacies - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, I’m sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comebackbehere/pseuds/comebackbehere
Summary: Josie never knew pain like this existed.





	maybe because it’s a reminder of you and me

**maybe this is normal** **  
** **maybe i stopped being myself after you left maybe this is all a test** **  
** **maybe i failed and i couldn’t clean up the mess**

 

Penelope pretty much skips town as soon as they graduate.  


 

The morning breaks through the clouds, and Josie watches from her perch on the balcony of her new apartment. Around her, Mystic Falls swells with life and here she stands watching it all happen. Lizzie tries to get her to leave her room, to explore her brand new freedom but she can’t; Josie is much too bitter with the knowledge that nobody is feeling the way she does right now, nobody is standing in the spot she is with dried tears on their face and a handful of regrets she won’t ever be able to let go of. But then again, Josie realizes, nobody broke the heart of a girl who loved her with everything she had.  


 

She feels _empty_. She feels like she’ll never be whole again. It’s like Penelope took every piece of her happiness and packed it away in a suitcase to take with her when she fled for New York. Josie flexes her jaw and drags her forearm over her eyes as her sight is clouded with shimmering tears, she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop crying. And God she _hates_ that she cries so much. All she knows is that she is in pain, she aches with the knowledge that she gave her happiness away because she was scared. She drove her entire relationship into the ground and watched it shatter, and she left Penelope alone to cut her hands on the broken shards of what could’ve been and what _should_ have been.   


 

Josie stands and watches the sunrise, and she wonders what happens now. She doesn’t know where to go. Everyone says that the only place to go from rock bottom is to the top, but Josie thinks she’s safer where she is. She _deserves_ to be where she is; rock bottom is where she belongs.

 

 **maybe that’s why the rain suddenly feels colder on my skin**   


 

Penelope always hated the rain. She always said it reminded her of the times she spent with her coven. The nights when her mother would lock her outside and leave her to freeze in the cold winds until she could perfect a spell. Until she could prove she deserved to carry around the Park name. And for that reason, for that memory, Josie hates the rain too. But that doesn’t stop her from from sitting in the storm that brews in the air of the city. She’s waiting for it, simply basking in the glow of the calm before the storm; she waits and barely pays MG any mind as he joins her on the wooden bench moments later and stares straight ahead.  


 

“It’s going to rain.” Josie murmurs.  


 

MG nods slowly, “Yeah.”

 

 

“Penelope used to stay in bed all day when it rained. She said it was her time to get her beautyrest in.” Josie murmurs as she plays with the edges of her skirt. “We would stay in bed all day, and wait for the rain to end.”

 

  
“We should head back to your apartment, Lizzie is worried.” MG sighs as he looks momentarily to Josie who furrows her brow in response. “You can’t sit out in the storm, Jo.”   


 

Josie shrugs, “I want to.”  


 

“You’re torturing yourself over something that you can’t change.” MG shrugs as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket and looks up at the dark clouds. “She’s gone, Josie. She left. She did what you wanted so why are you acting like this?”  


 

“I didn’t want her to go.” Josie snaps. “She just...she asked and I panicked. I told her to go because there’s an entire world out there, and she deserves to experience it. She deserves to find someone better than me. She deserves...she deserves to be happy.”  


 

“That’s the thing, Jo,” MG scoffs as he stands and looks back to the sky as the drops begin to fall on them. “She was happy. And so were you.”

 

  
MG leaves her on the bench and disappears into the storm. And Josie sits. She allows the rain to pour on her, to soak through her shirt. She expects Penelope to pop up, to offer her a jacket and a kiss, but she never comes. So, Josie sits and chatters her teeth but she refuses to leave; it’s easier to pretend that wetness on her cheeks are rain drops rather than tears.

 

 **maybe that’s why whenever i try to apologize i don’t know where to begin or where to end** **  
** **all these things that i’ve typed in my mind to tell you i just can’t hit send**   


 

 _sometimes i sleep with the lights on. i guess it helps with the nightmares, and it’s easier for me to accept it when i wake up and you’re not beside me. sometimes i even sleep in that old shirt you left. the blue one with the tear in the sleeve, remember? it used to smell like you…_   


 

Delete.  


 

 _i had lunch with Lizzie today. it was okay. i think she finally wants to get make things official with MG. you said she would, you wanted to play matchmaker. i said no. i shouldn’t have said no._   


 

Delete.  


 

 _MG and Lizzie are together. they’re so happy. we used to be happy like that. i see them and i hate it. you made me crave affection, you loved me so much. and now you’re gone and they have each other._ _MG_ _holds Lizzie just as tight as you used to hold me. the way they look at each other reminds me how often i used to watch you. i used to stare at you and wonder how someone like me ended up with someone like you. you were the best part of me. were. i never thought a stupid word could hurt so much._  


 

Delete.  


 

 _i could’ve held you in my arms forever and it still wouldn’t have been long enough._   


 

Delete.  


 

 _iwill always been in love with you. i don’t know how not to be. it’s been a few months and i’m still trying to unlearn you. i’m trying to figure out how to be a me instead of a we. why did i let you go? i shouldn’t have let go_ .   


 

Delete.  


 

 _i’m sorry i pulled away. i’m sorry i made you cry, i’m sorry i hurt you. i’m sorry i yelled at you. i’m sorry i stopped noticing you. i’m sorry i made you feel like you weren’t enough. you were. you are. i was never going to be enough though, Pen. never. you deserve the world and i couldn’t give you that. i was too afraid. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry._   


 

Delete.  


 

 _i’m afraid you’re going to forget me. please don’t. don’t forget how much i love you. don’t forget how we used to lay in bed and laugh. don’t forget how i used to steal your jackets and you’d steal mine. don’t forget how we stood by each other through everything, how i always looked to you first to make sure you were okay. don’t forget, okay? i won’t._   


 

Delete.

 

 _i saw Landon today and apparently you guys are friends now?? he told me that you’re doing really well, that you’ve found some unlikely friends. i’m happy for you_ , _but i’m also bitter. you’re doing okay without me, that’s what he was trying to say. i wish i could say the same for me._   


 

Delete.  


 

 _i had it all, and i threw it away. i’m sorry._   


 

Delete.  


 

 _i love you._   


 

Delete.

 

 **maybe i fucked up and i won’t admit it maybe i’m a coward**   


 

Josie and Penelope crumbled, but MG and Lizzie have pieced themselves together. They were finding pieces while Josie was throwing hers away, and Penelope was trying to keep hold of them. Sometimes, when she’s alone and wallowing, she blames them. Josie blames them for their happiness, the type of happiness she couldn’t give Penelope. The type of happiness that made everyone look at them in awe while Josie shook away Penelope’s hand. You see, Lizzie and MG showed Penelope what she _could_ have and Josie just ignored it. She ignored all the questions, all the soft pleading, all the well thought out text messages, and all the looks that begged Josie for her to just _see_ how unhappy Penelope was.   


 

But Josie ignored it, and she lost the best thing in her life. It was like Penelope became sand and all she could do was watch as she slipped through her fingers. Josie clenches her jaw as she glances across the room packed full of people; as Salvatore’s new guidance counselor, Josie has been tasked with keeping an eye on the kids at their dance. And with Lizzie as a teacher and MG as a chaperone, she has to watch them together. A bitter scowl appears on her face as she watches MG slide a protective, gentle hand along the small of Lizzie’s back before he hooks his chin over her shoulder and whispers something that makes them both smile.  


 

Those moments, the private intimate ones, are the moments Josie misses the most. She misses lying beside Penelope in bed with the slightest bit of distance between them but their fingertips pressed together against stark white sheets. She misses the way Penelope would walk beside her and brush their knuckles together, she would offer just enough contact to make Josie’s heart jump. Josie aches for the softness of Penelope’s skin beneath her lips, and how she used to smile into the quick pecks Penelope would scatter onto her lips. Josie reaches for Penelope sometimes in the darkness of her room, and she slides her hand along cold sheets and _remembers_.   


 

She let Penelope go, and she gave away all those moments.  


 

“Josie!”  


 

Josie straightens up in time to catch as the beautiful couple approaches her with smiles, “Hey guys.”  


 

“Mind if we join you?” Lizzie asks softly.  


 

Josie sees the look they share, the way MG widens his eyes in a way that screams that it’s a bad idea but Lizzie challenges it with a look of her own before they plop into the chairs at the table. It’s awkward. No one has anything to say, nothing good at least. Josie looks down at her half finished punch and then to the untouched one beside her, she didn’t even mean to pour it, but then again she is too used to having two of everything. Josie doesn’t want to give up yet another part of her broken relationship, even as small as it is. Finally, MG clears his throat and she looks up at her friend and sees a sadness in his gaze.  


 

“So, how are you liking the new job?”  


 

“It’s good.” Josie nods.  


 

Her answer shuts MG down, and she takes a moment to observe them. She watches the way MG slides a hand over Lizzie’s, how easily their fingers tangle together. Josie tenses, and looks around to see if anyone is watching. No one is, no one _cares_. But Josie was afraid, she was afraid of people staring because she was dating a _Park._ The tears build in her eyes and she blinks in an effort to clear them and she finds herself standing and walking from the auditorium. Watching Lizzie and MG together just reminds her of the happy ever after she slammed a door on, they just remind her of what she already knows.   


 

Josie is, and always will be, a coward.

 

 **seems like i’ve got all the time in the world, maybe i should do something about it** **  
** **i mean every minute without you feels like an hour**   


 

Josie begins to realize how difficult it is to be on the staff at this boarding school. There’s always a problem, always a fight. So, she starts to train herself to be ready. She throws herself into it, forces herself to go harder. She runs faster. Works longer. She breaks her body down and rebuilds it. She wishes she could do the same with her heart. Lizzie says she’s become reckless, and she knows in some ways she has. She just doesn’t see a point in caring. Rafael tells her she still has a family to love and to protect, and she tries, but sometimes she wonders if this is what she wants anymore. Everything goes to hell on a Thursday when the staff takes the younger years on a walk and they end up getting swarmed.

 

  
She almost gets MG killed.   


 

By the time they make it back to the school, Josie can almost feel the lurch of anger that swells around them. She knows it’s Lizzie, that expression on her face gives her away. As soon as the nurse whisks a protesting MG away, Josie prepares herself and she sees the way Lizzie slowly allows her mask to slip away, allows them to finally see her red rimmed eyes and the way they darken in anger as she crosses the space of the room to slam her hand against Josie’s shoulder.  


 

“What was _that_ , Josie? You’re supposed to be smarter than that!” Lizzie snaps before she once again gives Josie a hard shove. “You did _nothing_!”

 

  
“Whoa, whoa!” Alaric scoffs as he steps between them and presses a hand to Lizzie’s quivering shoulder to keep her in place. “That’s enough. What the hell is going on?”

 

“You just stood there. You didn’t help at all. And when you _finally_ pulled your head out of your ass and helped with the kids, you almost set MG on fire.” Lizzie growls. “Why did you even feel the need to conjure up a fireball? They were witch hunters, we had it handled.”

 

  
“I know.” Josie sighs.   


 

“You know?” Lizzie repeats in a calm whisper.  


 

“Liz, he’s fine and…”  


 

“You almost set him and a group of kids on fire, Josie!” Lizzie yells as she lunges forward, but Alaric is quick to intercept her with an arm around her waist. “Just because you gave up the person you love doesn’t mean you have to punish people who still have theirs.”

 

“That has nothing to do with the decisions I made today.” Josie replies, and her voice shakes as his words play in a loop. “I was trying to do the right thing, and…”  


 

“Bullshit. You were doing what you to best, you were being reckless. You were risking your life because you don’t care what happens to you.” Lizzie whispers with a frown. “But _I_ care about what happens to you, we do. Getting yourself killed won’t change what happened.”   


 

Josie clenches her jaw, “You don’t know what this is like. I feel like I can’t breathe.”  


 

“We know.” Lizzie murmurs as she softens.  


 

“I feel like I’m dying in the street and everyone is just walking past me like I’m not there.” Josie whimpers as she feels her knees quake. “I don’t know how to get over her, I don’t know how to do any of this without her.”  


 

“The first thing you do _is_ breathe, honey.” Alaric orders in a calm voice. “You just have to move on. It won’t be easy, but we’re here. We aren’t going anywhere. We can help you through this.”   


 

“She just wanted me to love her.” Josie whimpers as she looks at them with wide eyes. “And I did. I _do_. Why didn’t I tell her enough? Why couldn’t I just tell her?”

 

  
And the dam around her heart finally bursts as the pain radiates through her. It engulfs her, and she feels like she’s slowly burning from the inside out. She wishes she could, she wishes there was a way to unlearn how to love Penelope. Sometimes, when she’s lying beside someone who isn’t the woman she loves, she has to close her eyes because their touch isn’t Penelope’s. Their fingertips don’t leave marks on her body, on her _heart_. Their lips don’t whisper life into her mouth and scatter bruises along her skin. Josie’s body is something Penelope learned to play, and Penelope’s was something Josie had to take lessons to understand. Josie has to remind herself that she’s being retuned. Someday her strings will be new, and will have been untouched by Penelope.

 

 **maybe i’m a fool for distancing myself from you**   


 

Lizzie and MG are getting married.  


 

Josie watches them from across the room, watches as MG makes a show of taking Lizzie’s hand to show off her engagement ring while Lizzie preens at the attention. They’re so in love, and she envies them for that. She feels like she’s slowly getting better, day by day. But there are also those days when she can’t bring herself to leave her apartment or change out of a shirt that no longer smells like vanilla and something purely Penelope.  


 

“They’re so perfect.”  


 

Josie glances to Rafael with a small smile, “They are.”  


 

“We’ll have that someday too, right?” Rafael whispers as he keeps his gaze on the couple. “We’ll find that with people, and we’ll be in love...we deserve that much, don’t we?”

 

“You do.” Josie nods.  


 

Rafael scowls as he looks to her, “So do you.”  


 

“I had that chance, and I blew it. That picture perfect thing that Lizzie and MG have isn’t mine anymore, I messed it up.” Josie shrugs with a bitter smile. “I’m better off alone.”  


 

“Why did you do it?” Rafael asks. “Why did you let her leave?”  


 

“Because I love her, and I knew she would stay if I asked her to. I knew she would give up her dream to be here with me, and I couldn’t do it.” Josie chuckles as she looks down into her flute of champagne. “All she ever wanted was to start her own fashion line, that was always the dream, I was just the push she needed to realize it.”  


 

Rafael glances at her sympathetically, “You never told her, did you? You never told her how much you really loved her?”  


 

“No.” Josie admits. “She would’ve stayed if I did.”  


 

“And now? If you could go back in time, would you tell her to go?” Rafael asks with a small frown. “If you had the chance, would you change it all?”  


 

“If I had the chance, I would go back as far as I could just so I could have more time with her. Just so I could love her a little longer.” Josie sighs before she takes a small sip of her drink. “But when the time came, I would let her go. I’ll always do what’s best for her.”  


 

“Even if it meant breaking her heart?” Rafael scoffs.  


 

“It’s complicated.” Josie shrugs. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go congratulate my sister and get out of here.”  


 

“Want me to come with?” Rafael offers. “You don’t have to be alone tonight, we can both wallow over a bottle of champagne I’ll steal.”  


 

Josie senses the double meaning behind the words and she considers it for only a moment, “Stay. I’ll see you around.”  


 

She turns and slips away, and in another life she probably would have taken Rafael home with her. In another life, she wouldn’t be so tortured over something that she did; in another life, she could’ve easily loved Rafael instead of Penelope. But this isn’t that life, and therefore she leaves Rafael untouched by the toxin she feels she is.

 

 **maybe that’s why i couldn’t admit that i loved you because for some reason i couldn’t accept that maybe**   


“Damn.”

 

Josie twitches her jaw as she looks in the mirror and once again struggles with her stupid complicated gown straps. The tick of the clock is loud in the dressing room, and Josie throws a glance towards it and curses quietly once more. She’s supposed to be with Lizzie, she’s her maid of honor but instead she’s stuck trying to figure out how to fix her gown because the florist was incompetent and had Josie running every which way; with a growl, she gives up and fixes a glare on the offending material.  


 

“Give me a second. I’m almost done.” Josie sighs as she hears the door creak open. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready with mom?”

 

  
“No…?”   


 

The voice sends a wave of pain and relief to wash over her, and Josie finds herself pushing through that wave for the first time in three years and she feels like she can breathe. Slowly, she turns and takes in Penelope’s amused smile as she gives a small wave. Josie is speechless, and all she can do is stare; she’s just so _beautiful_. She’s afraid to blink, she’s had this dream one too many times, she refuses to let Penelope simply evaporate once more and leave her.   


 

“You look gorgeous.” Penelope whispers.  


 

Josie nods once, “I...you’re here.”  


 

“Lizzie and MG invited me.” Penelope frowns as she furrows her brow and takes another step into the room. “Are you okay? You look pale.”  


 

“Pen, you’re _here._ ”

 

  
And then Penelope gives her that smile, the one that lights up her soft eyes and makes her so goddamn beautiful. Josie doesn’t think twice before she crosses the room and collapses against Penelope as she draws in a strong breath and closes her eyes as arms hesitantly curl around her body before a soft kiss is pressed to her perfectly styled hair. They stay in each other’s arms for as long as they can, but Penelope finally clears her throat and squirms her way out of Josie’s embrace. Josie sees it then, the change in Penelope; she can almost feel the distance that stretches between them.   


 

“H-How are you?” Josie asks in a breathless whisper.  


 

“I’m...good.” Penelope replies as a lopsided smile appears on her face. “New York is _amazing._ My brand is slowly expanding, and I have a meeting with a designer to start on an eyeshadow pallet. After that, we’re moving to LA for the spring so we can work with a new team for the line we’re showing at London’s fashion week.”

 

Josie feels the world disappear around her as she listens to Penelope speak; sometimes she forgets how much she has missed Penelope’s voice. She has missed _everything_ about her. Her fingertips miss the feel of the silk of Penelope’s skin. Her eyes miss drinking in the sight of that smile and the way Penelope would furrow her brow. Her body misses how well Penelope played it, like it was an old guitar that was weathered and broken and just needed the right touch. Her brain misses figuring Penelope out, it misses picking her apart and piecing her back together when it all made sense. But mostly her heart misses the woman in front of her, it misses the way Penelope curled her hand around it and squeezed until the thrum of Josie’s heartbeat melted into a song that spread through her bloodstream.   


 

“I missed you.” Josie breathes out. “I _miss_ you.”

 

  
Penelope falters and blinks owlishly, “I missed you too, Jojo.”   


 

“You should...you should come home. Come back home, come back to Mystic Falls.” Josie pleads as she fights her growing tears. “Come back to me. Come back to _us_.”

 

  
“I don’t think Hope wants to.” Penelope frowns. “It took her a long time to get over the things that happened here, and she wanted a fresh slate. She barely wanted to come back for the wedding.” 

 

Josie swallows hard, “Hope? Hope Mikaelson?”

 

Penelope flushes, “Yeah. We’re...together. We have been for about a year and a half. We both ended up at NYU, and it started out as a fuck buddy type thing but it changed. _We_ changed.”   


 

Everything goes silent and all Josie can do is stare. There’s something in Penelope’s smile that she hasn’t seen before, a spark in her gaze that even Josie could never bring out. Josie feels like she’s watching a car accident, like there’s nothing she can do to stop the collision of reality and her heart; there’s nothing she can do to stop the way everything shatters. After a moment, Josie clears her throat and looks to Penelope with wide eyes that plead for her to say something, to say _anything_.   


 

“You and Hope?” Josie repeats, and Penelope is quick to nod. “Wow. That’s...I’m happy for you, Pen. I’m glad you found someone.”  


 

“You’re lying.” Penelope whispers as she tilts her head and Josie simply swallows hard. “I love her. And she...she loves me too. We’re not the same people we were in high school, Jojo. We have something special. And we’re really, really happy.”

 

“That’s all I want for you, Penelope.” Josie assures her before she looks to the clock. “I need to get out there. I’ll see you at the reception?”  


 

She doesn’t wait for Penelope to answer, she doesn’t think she’ll be able to keep herself quiet if she does. Those three words rest on the tip of her tongue, and her body urges her to speak but she can’t. She has already destroyed Penelope once, she won’t do it again. She won’t ruin Penelope’s _happiness_ again. Josie rushes out of the dressing room and fumbles with her straps once more as she rushes to join the row of people waiting to be led into the church. As she clears her throat, Lizzie looks back at her with questioning eyes.   


 

“I’m okay.” Josie nods. “I’m...I’m okay.”  


 

Lizzie doesn’t say anything, Josie can see it in her gaze that she doesn’t believe her. Before Lizzie can open her mouth the music kicks in, and it’s like Josie never existed at all. Because her sister’s happy ending begins. She walks down the aisle alongside Kaleb and stares out at her sister as their father leads her down the aisle. She hears MG’s soft gasp as Lizzie appears, and she smiles softly as she watches her best friend’s eyes well with tears. As broken as she is, Josie is happy that Lizzie and MG have found their happy ever after in each other.  


 

Josie stands behind Lizzie and allows the preacher to fade away as she looks out to the crowd and finds Penelope sitting beside Rafael. Like so many times before, Josie feels her heart race as she studies Penelope’s striking features; she can’t stop staring. And then she sees it, she sees a gentle hand settle on Penelope’s thigh before Penelope brightens and reaches down to intertwine the hand with her own. Just like that, Josie feels like a hard punch has been delivered to her chest and she can feel that same hand digging into her chest and reaching for her heart.  


 

It’s only when Hope lifts Penelope’s hand to her lips when Josie finally feels that last piece of her heart shatter. That last piece, the piece that was hope, dies away and leaves her cold. Josie blinks away the tears that gather and turns her attention back to Lizzie and MG. Everything feels different now that Josie knows that the woman she loved, that she _loves_ , has moved on. Has found her happiness. Josie can’t help but kick herself for not realizing it sooner, for pushing it away; she had Penelope, and then she let her go. Over and over again. Josie released her and Penelope found her way to someone who deserves her.   


 

Penelope used to love her, and that’s what scared her the most. She was too afraid to accept that, to breathe it in. She never even said it. Because she’s a coward, and she had something great but she ruined that. Josie holds onto her sadness, her regrets, and vows to let them go. Somehow, someday, she knows she’ll move on from a love that could’ve been one for the ages.

 

But like they say, not all love lasts.

 

**just maybe you might of loved me too**


End file.
